When Self-Help Advice Hurts More Than It Helps (And What To Do Instead)

There’s no shortage of advice out there.

Clichés. Instagram quotes. Well-meaning tips.
But without context — without understanding how they apply to you — much of it can feel empty, or worse, harmful.

Advice without depth can feel like pressure. And when it doesn’t land? It can leave people feeling frustrated, ashamed, or even defeated.

As a Health and Well-being Coach, I probably see these messages more often than most. I also see the emotional fallout when people try to follow them without the self-awareness, tools, or support they need to make them truly helpful.

When Advice Feels Like Another Burden

Recently, a young adult in my life shared, “Did you know 15 minutes of dancing is more powerful than an antidepressant?”

Is movement powerful? Absolutely. Is it universally enough to treat mental health challenges? Absolutely not.

Mental health is layered, personal, and deeply complex.

Then last night, I came across another viral gem:
"How to forgive the unforgivable."
The answer? “Start by taking responsibility for your part.”

Oof.

Would I ever say that to a client? Not without a whole lot of nuance and conversation.

Healing Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

Without a strong foundation of self-awareness and support, advice like this can send someone spiraling — either into shame or into defensiveness. Neither of which lead to healing.

Is taking ownership powerful? Yes.
Is it simple? No.
Is it often painful? Absolutely.

The healthiest among us — and let’s be real, that’s not always who’s reading these posts — might have the capacity to see their role in a situation and hold compassion for themselves and others at the same time.

But most of us? We’re doing the best we can to protect ourselves from pain.

What Real Support Actually Looks Like

Here’s what I really want to offer you:

→ Find people who can simply hold space for you — exactly as you are.

→ Remember: what you focus on will grow. So ask yourself — how do you want to show up in the world?

→ Get curious: what do you need right now?

→ Keep learning, keep discovering. You’re allowed to evolve.

→ Accepting your whole self — even the messy parts — is wildly empowering.

→ And please know: sometimes we all need a little help — from friends, from professionals, from medication. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

If This Feels Hard… I See You.

I will hold space for you.
I will listen deeply.
I will reflect your words back so you can hear your own wisdom.

There is so much power in being truly heard.

I love you — all of you.
Please, love you too.

Sometimes you just have to throw it out the window - and that’s OK!

I lock in. One of my biggest pet peeves is a lack of authenticity, so when I commit to something, I can get stubborn about it. Like… this is what I do! But I’m realizing I need to be more fluid.

My journey started with balance—balancing health and living, medication and quality of life, family time and me time, spending and saving… you get it.

So where does balance fit into locking in? I make intentional, calculated choices, but sometimes my strictness leaves me feeling burnt out. Letting go of the rules I created helps reconnect me with my original “why.” That reason was always there, but somewhere along the way, it stopped driving me. My needs changed, but my actions didn’t adjust. I stayed locked in when I really needed to shift.

I’m learning to be less rigid—more fluid, lighter. Re-evaluating and making changes isn’t just necessary; it can be freeing. A fresh perspective on an old focus might just be the thing to highlight what’s been overlooked, neglected, or left simmering on the back burner for too long.

But it’s hard! Change means breaking out of autopilot. It means stepping into the unknown and facing self-inflicted challenges. But it can also mean reawakening or reviving something inside you.

When you take stock of your life and contemplate change, it’s tricky—not because you’re letting go of things that don’t serve you, but because you’re making room for things that might serve you even better. You’re not just swapping bad for good; sometimes, you’re swapping good for better—or simply for something new and refreshing.

If you’re in a rut or stuck in a routine that feels stagnant, I challenge you to switch things up. Try something new. Don’t stay locked into a routine just because it’s familiar. It may not be serving you best anymore.

What did I change?

The last couple of months have been big for me. I’ve always been pretty rigid with nutrition and exercise, but I realized I needed to adapt.

First—exercise. Chronic neck pain and posture issues pushed me to rethink my workout routine. For years, I stuck to the same “great” program with the same “great” people. And it was great—until it wasn’t. My body needed time to heal and adjust. So, for now, I’m focusing on what I need most, rather than pushing my limits. Simple, right? Except it wasn’t. As strange as it sounds, committing to stopping was the hardest part. That routine had become a part of me, and so had the people.

Second—diet. After eight years of following a pescatarian (and sometimes vegan) diet, I decided to make a change. My lifestyle made it tough to maintain properly, and I was often cooking double meals for myself and my family. Working with a nutritionist I came up with a new plan that is still mostly whole-food and plant-based, but also includes more animal proteins.

Upon reflection, I realized my dietary choices weren’t just about health—they were about control. I wanted to believe I was doing everything I could to prevent illness. And if I ever did get sick, at least I’d know I had done all I could. But here’s the thing: I haven’t done everything—because I’m human. And most of this isn’t in my control anyway.

So, this shift isn’t just about food. It’s about letting go—of control, of the belief that I’m solely responsible for every outcome. And honestly? It’s a relief.

It’s Just a Dance!

Photo taken at Grounds for Sculpture.

Hello 2025!

I'm not going to say what you think I'm going to say....or maybe you are more on to me than I realize? ;-) Read below and I'd love to hear what you actually think!

Are you living your life?

We talk a lot about goals and self-development. Often moving at light speed ahead and maybe not reflecting enough.  Nutrition, exercise, weight loss,  SLEEP, building a strong community that offers love and support, feeling fulfillment and purpose etc.  We talk about these things, we read about these things we listen to podcasts about these things, but have we stopped to stock of what we actually do and have?    

The following exercise is a great way of really seeing what your life looks like. I'm often surprised by all the things I have done throughout the year and even in difficult years there are little glimmers of light shining through. It's easy to miss these things and the exercise below helps to inspire reflection and  perspective. I hope you will find it worthwhile. 

A note before we jump in...
I have done this exercise many times, but I have never done it alone. I've used it as a time to connect with others. By scheduling a time with someone else it also serves as the accountability I need to actually get it done.  Whatever way feels right to you or maybe a combination of solitude and sharing. You can't go wrong.          

"Closing Out the Year"

Step 1: Gather Your Tools

• Grab a piece of paper and a pen

• Pull out your phone and planner—or anything else you use to track your life.

Step 2: Reflect on the Past Year

• Flip through your calendar and photo roll. Write down anything that stands out: experiences, accomplishments, challenges, purchases, or milestones.

Step 3: Take It All In

Read through your list. Absorb all that happened in 2024.

• Ask yourself:

  • What’s your overall impression?

  • Is the list balanced, or is it skewed toward one area of life?

  • What was really good about 2024? What obstacles did you overcome?

  • What do you want more of—and what do you want less of?

Step 4: Look Ahead

2025 is here, with 12 fresh months waiting to unfold. When you reflect on this year in 2026, what would you like it to look like? Some ideas to ground yourself firmly in the new year.   

- Write a story of your year ahead:
Who? What? How? Add as much detail as you can. You never know what you might just manifest!

 - Make a list of 25 things for 2025:
(credit to Happier with Gretchen Rubin Podcast where I first heard this idea!)

What is in the works? What have you been putting off? What have you always wanted to do? Make a list of 25 items, big or small, to address in the year to come.Consider these categories to get you started: Experience, Accomplish, Purchase, See, Smell, Give.

 -Set a word, mantra, or physical reminder (vision board, journal etc)

 By anchoring your plans for 2025 in reflection and intention,
you set yourself up for a year that’s not just full of goals
but full of meaning.

Here’s to a thoughtful and fulfilling year ahead!

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Want a little extra?

My dear friend Elise brought this "closing out the year" exercise into my life several years ago. I do not know where it originated, but if you want to read more I'm sure there are many exercises like this online.  

Why? 

Because, like the old adage says, "what you focus on grows" and conversely what you don't focus on doesn't.

This exercise also serves as a great journal of sorts. I love closing out the year to see all the things we did, but I also love looking back on past years for the memories. 

BONUS: This is a great activity to do with your partner and children or it also makes a great :girl's night in" bonding experience

Happy, Merry, Either, Neither

Holiday Chatter

There is so much out there this time of year on busyness, difficult relationships, grief, joy, mindfulness etc.  I have started this email several times and searched for inspiration, but nothing felt right. The problem is we are all facing different feelings, celebrations and beliefs about this time of year. Whatever you “celebrating”, it all brings ups and downs and as much as I’d like to offer you something to take with you through the holiday I’m busy navigating it myself.  

What I can share is what I am thinking about and maybe it resonate with you - or maybe it won’t. I am entering the holiday season with a pretty mediocre attitude. I hate this for myself and my loved ones. My energy has been low in general. Maybe I'm still escaping that cocoon!  ;-)  I desperately want to enjoy this stretch of holidays in a peaceful and relaxed way so I am trying to simplify. Simplify food, activities, decorations etc. To be very honest, as I am writing this email I had to stop to google homemade oreo cookies! Simplifying isn’t easy for me—it takes a lot of effort to quiet my mind.

The second thing on my mind is awareness of how my expectations can be problematic. I can’t change too much in the moment, but I can take a good look at what expectations I’m bringing into all the upcoming festivities and think about how I want to handle them. A couple things come to mind here…don’t expect a different attitude or gratefulness from people just because it’s a holiday. People are who they are and expecting them to be better or different somehow is bad on me, not them.  The second thing is that some people are just not in a good place. I need to remind myself that I am not a bad person or a worthless person because someone speaks to me or treats me in that way which then causes me to shrink away and later be resentful.  When I am able to be strong in myself I can more easily brush it off (as not being my problem at all) which brings me to the final thing on my mind this holiday season…

I need to practice some really good self-care so that I have the strength to handle the above.  Self-care for me involves eating right, sleeping right, exercise, not over-committing or over-promising, taking some quiet time to hear my own voice so that I make sure I don’t neglect the things that are important to me. It also involves some nurturing which I am still learning, but looks something like this - stopping to ask myself…”how are you doing right now?”, “What might you need?” It may involve walking away from something draining that is not mine to absorb and curling up with a book instead (ie. teenage angst) or simply ordering a pizza for the family because I’m getting close to the edge and I want to make sure I don’t lose it.

I hope there is something in this that sheds a little light on your upcoming gatherings and you can relax into what is good and release that which you have no control over.   

Want more?  

Psychology Today article titled  

10 Mindful Mantras to Boost Your Holiday Mood in 30 Seconds

 by Donald Altman

10 Affirmations to Boost Your Mood at the Holidays or Anytime

1. I am calm and tolerant.

2. I am peaceful and patient.

3. I am flexible and spontaneous.

4. I am inspiring, energizing, and activating.

5. I am empowered and confident.

6. I am compassionate and sympathetic.

7. I am intelligent, generous, and caring.

8. I am happy and optimistic.

9. I am grateful and thankful.

10. I am loving and accepting.

Use your affirmation with your breath. For example, inhale as you breathe in the feeling of calm, peace, love, or whatever your affirmation expresses. You might feel your heart center growing warm and open. Here are a few other tips for using your mantra affirmation:

• Set the intention to repeat your affirmation throughout the day, for up to a minute or longer.

• Write your affirmations on sticky notes and post them on your mirror, the wall, the refrigerator, etc.

• Note how using your affirmation makes you feel. You can journal and experiment with different affirmations.

• If you have a spiritual path, try using a mantra from that tradition.

• Bring to mind someone who exemplifies your affirmation, such as a spiritual teacher or mentor. Imagine them as you say your affirmation.

For more about how and why to use mantras, visit:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/practical-mindfulness/202212/10-mindful-mantras-to-boost-your-holiday-mood-in-30-seconds

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Be gentle with yourselves. Be gentle with your loved ones.

Know you are loved, always.

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Make mine a mini…

Setting yourself up for success

I talk to a lot of people who, at times, feel beaten down by life. Caught in the hamster wheel of constantly “doing” and feeling as if there is no time or no energy to make things better. I am not above this. In fact, I learn a lot from my conversations with others about their struggles. Sometimes it shines light on something I didn’t realize I was self-sabotaging and remind me that I’m not alone. I almost always learn something valuable from my coaching clients. One thing that really stands out this month for me is the importance of understanding your motivations and starting really really small.

Yup, you read that right.  Start really small, minuscule maybe!

For years, I was an early morning walker, enjoying time outdoors or on my treadmill before work. But when my schedule changed, I stopped walking altogether. I missed it, yet I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it. So on October 1, I challenged myself and a few friends to walk for just 15 minutes every day this month. This simple exercise has been eye-opening.

First, a small goal is much easier to achieve, even on the busiest days.

When I suddenly remember my challenge and it’s already dark outside I tell myself…it’s ONLY 15 minutes!

On the weekends, when I'm busy doing yard work or just being more active, I adjust my goal to weekdays only. It’s my goal, so I can do that to keep it working for me!  It’s empowering!!

I also tossed my sneakers in the car, allowing me to walk wherever I was headed. I discovered new locations I wouldn’t have otherwise explored!

Starting a walking routine in the fall has been a beautiful way to kick things off. It’s shown me that we can make our goals enjoyable or at least as easy as possible.

I loved this challenge so much that I'm planning something small and new for November. I’ll keep walking, but not necessarily every day. I’ll have to take a few minutes to really think about what I would benefit from the most and go from there.  

Here are some other examples of starting small:

• Writing just the date in your journal every morning

• Tracking your breakfast calories daily

• Cutting back on one soda a day

• Turning off your phone 15 minutes before bed

• Meditating for 2 minutes before leaving the house

• Making a list of clubs or groups you might want to try

• Having one meal a day without carbs, meat, or dairy

• Going to bed 5 minutes earlier

WHAT ELSE?....I’d love to hear your minuscule goals and what you are celebrating!!

Want more?  

Psychology Today article titled  

Beat Procrastination by Aiming Low: One Tiny Step at a Time

 by Anna Svetchnikov LMFT states the following…

Tiny steps are far less intimidating and provide a sense of accomplishment and progress leading to:

• Reduced Resistance. Our brains struggle with big, imposing goals, while small steps feel less threatening and achievable.

• Boost in Confidence. Finishing even a tiny task provides a sense of accomplishment and encouragement to tackle the next step.

• Momentum Builds. Action breeds action; each tiny win sets a pattern of success and progress.

LINK TO ARTICLE:

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Be gentle with yourselves. Be gentle with your loved ones.

Know you are loved, always.

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